Dudley the hero?
by crocket
Summary: Due to Dudley saying something Harry find the way to end the war before it really begins. Hopefully you will find it funny.


I own nothing but my own ideas the rest belong to J,K,R. A thanks goes to sarah-rose76646who beta read this for me. Thanks.

Hero Dudley

Harry was annoyed. His godfather was locked up at grimmauld place and he was locked  
in his bedroom. His cousin and he had just escaped from a pair of Dementors  
and both felt like crap. Harry had a single chunk of chocolate, while Dudley  
had the rest of the bar.

"Harry, how can we protect my poor duddykins from those evil things?"

Harry looked at his aunt's Duddykins; Dudley had once been mistaken for a  
stranded baby whale while on holiday.

Harry decided to be sarcastic "well as you can't see them, I guess you can't.  
Only I can, but as you hate me and my freakishness… guess you are up the Khyber."

Then came a moment in history, something that changed the world for ever,  
Dudley had a good idea.

"Harry, you can see them right?" He continued as Harry nodded, well in one  
of my magazines about planes it says you can paint a target."

Harry looked confused "paint a target? What's that mean?"

Dudley thought for a second well several seconds really "You know them  
Laser pointer thingy's that teachers use?"

"Hmm no our teachers don't use them."

"Ok well they like a torch but instead of a large beam... hold on I have  
one upstairs."

Harry, and petunia, watched as Dudley, stomped up the stairs and came down  
several minutes later with something that looked like a bullet.

"See this is a laser pointer I push this little button and this red beam  
comes out... you want see something cool?"

Harry nodded partly in shock and partly because… hell he was in shock, what  
more reason did he need?

Dudley went into the kitchen and closed all the curtains and shut the door,  
he then got a small amount of flour and tossed it into the air.

Petunia gasped but held her tongue it would not do to berate Dudley after  
such a scare.

Dudley turned on the laser pointer and Harry watched as an almost solid beam  
of light went through it. He could see a vivid red line of light going through  
the flour dust.

"You have to be careful with these. it says in my magazine that people in  
America have been arrested for trying to blind pilots for dazzling them while  
in flight with one of these."

Harry nodded, he was shocked… no shocked was too small a word. He needed an Earth  
shattering one, Dudley had a brain...and could use it?????? What  
was the world coming to?

"Well a person on the ground points something like this onto a building and  
then a plane targets it with its missiles and boom no more building. Well  
could you light up one them dementy things so some one else could shoot it. All  
they would need is to see the light or were the light stops."

Harry had to sit down a torch and boom, he started to giggle then he laughed.

"Dudley reminds me to get you the best magical sweets I can you are without a  
doubt a bloody genius."

They looked at him shocked.

Dudley thought "well if you want an English one then I would say the Storm  
Shadow launched from an Tornado GR4.... that combination would work on just  
about anything and it is long range."

Harry's jaw officially dropped. "A what? And what?"

Petunia was almost in as much shock.

"Duddykins, how do you know so much about planes and bombs?" She just had  
to know, a small part of her mind remembered that Harry always scored better on test than Dudley, until that was beaten out of him.

"Well mum" Dudley started, "it's a missile not a bomb. Bombs just fall  
down; a missile is a mini jet with an explosive payload. Bombs are not directed  
as such while missiles like homing one have a small level of intelligence. As  
to your question, we all know that I am fat not big boned, and lazy. I worked out  
long ago that I needed to concentrate on being able to get a job like dad's, that  
would mean a lot of sitting down."

Harry's eyes went into bug mode "what- the -hell" he shook his head and  
even pinched himself. As a precaution, he snuck his wand out. An intelligent  
Dudley, no way. It must be an imposter.

"I found I quite like planes but didn't understand them, so when I started to  
look into them somehow I got hooked." He smiled. "Then it hit me. I could  
design planes and missiles and stuff, so that's what I have been working up  
to."

Harry and Petunia took a kitchen chair and sat down. This was a lot to take  
in.

"So Dudley, that combination why?"

Dudley smiled and almost seemed to go into a teacher mode. Something else that  
shocked Harry and Petunia.

"You said you wanted to destroy a house with a cellar yes?"

Harry nodded "yes I know where Voldemort is and many of his Death eaters  
will be, he could also be the one that sent those Dementors after us."

Dudley smiled "so you want to kill the man who murdered your mum and dad  
and in a round about way forced you onto my family?"

To say that Harry was shocked was an understatement. He never knew Dudley could do more  
than grunt, groan or put four, maybe two words together at once. This was huge even  
bigger than Dudley and Vernon's stomach combined. This was something to record  
for the history book or at least family gatherings. "Yes" he finally  
managed to choke out. A person can only take so many shocks a day after all.

"Good. O.k. I used that combo because the Storm Shadow can be fired from 150  
miles away. It has a fire and forget capability, meaning that once it is fired, you  
can no longer control it from the plane. However if it has trouble locating a  
target it will self-destruct in a place pre-programmed as safe. The BROACH  
warhead features an initial penetrating charge to clear soil or enter a  
bunker, then a variable delay fuse to control detonation of the main warhead.  
The missile weighs about 1,300 kilograms (2,866 lb) has a maximum body  
diameter of 1 meter (3.3 ft) and a wingspan of 3 meters (9.8 ft). Intended  
targets are command, control and communications; airfields; ports and power  
stations; AMS/ammunition storage; ships at sea; ships/submarines in port;  
bridges and other high-value strategic targets. So you see, a house with a  
cellar would be no problem. The initial penetrating charge should take out  
most of the house. With its level of penetration a cellar will be no problem.  
The plane is just the one our air force uses to deliver that type of  
missile."

Harry wished he had a strong drink or even a weak drink.

Dudley was not finished though, "The missile follows a path semi-autonomously, on a  
low flight path guided by GPS and terrain matching to the area of the target.  
Close to the target, the missile bunts, climbing to an altitude intended to achieve the best probability of target identification  
and penetration. During the bunt, the nose cone is jettisoned to allow a high-resolution infrared camera to observe the target area (the bunt enlarges the  
field of vision). The missile then tries to locate its target. So you need to  
have the area lit for the initial part so a pilot can program the missile."  
Dudley smiled "then BOOOM bye bye Dementy things and Moldywart."

Harry was stunned " Dudley I think I might just have to buy a sweet shop for  
you, that was amazing you may have struck back at an enemy of the family and  
solved a problem of an upcoming war before it becomes a war."  
It had taken a while and some research but had culminated in Harry and Sirius  
impersonating air force officers.

PRESENT TIME

As they left the base, Sirius no longer able to contain himself got the phone  
numbers of several females. Then he looked at Harry and shrugged his shoulders,  
"can't teach old dog new tricks? Ha well I will show them." he smiled  
and made exaggerated movements with his eyebrows.

Harry and Sirius crept as close as the needed to set up the stuff so the GPS  
signally thingy type stuff that Dudley seemed to understand but to Harry and  
Sirius it was plain Goblin. "All set Harry?" came over the short-range  
radios he and Sirius had. Harry grinned, "Yep tango leader alpha boss man."

Sirius moaned, "Harry I am the immature one so please stop stealing my lines before I  
use them." He sighed, when was Harry going to learn?

Harry grinned- {bet that annoyed him}

2 days later

Lord Voldemort, the most feared man alive, was fuming. someone had been taking  
shots at his loyal Death eaters. nothing fatal but still, how dare the headless  
chickens attack first? Malfoy, Nott, and Goyle, even Snape and Draco had been  
attacked. He had decided, enough was enough and called an emergency meeting.

Harry and Sirius laughed to themselves "Tango foxtrot the target is hot  
repeat the target is hot."

Several miles away four Tornado GR4 took off with four missiles each their target  
an inland terrorist poison gas manufacturing plant. All the GPS had been  
sorted and the target had been painted.

Harry smiled to Sirius then turned and walked to the pay phone. He dialed a  
number and it was answered in fewer than four rings. "Dudley they on the way."  
Several miles away \Dudley and his family watched and waited. As it had been  
partly because of Dudley the whole thing had started, they felt it was only  
right he got to watch.

"I want to know who has been attacking my loyal followers? Crucio."  
Wormtail curled up into a ball, some days he wished he had left his master as a  
ghost.

Everyone turned as a loud "Sqeeeeeek" sounded, many jumped and looked  
around to see that who had his or her hands near a chalkboard or bit of slate. Then all  
sound seemed to stop followed by a massive explosion then another.

"Name?"

Lord Voldemort looked around.

"Name! Listen you in-bred morons NAME!"

Many jumped, Voldemort stepped forward "Do you know who I am?"

" Geez, Pureblood's from earth so bloody dumb...if I knew who you were would  
I be asking your NAME???"

One of his servants stepped forward "He is He- Who-Must -Not -be -Named."  
Then he jumped back as he suddenly got a look at what he was talking to. Yes  
it was a case of what and not who.

The figure stood up, "Now listen here you in-bred morons, I want your names  
and if I don't get them then you will wish you had never been anything."

One the Death eaters came forward "I am Lucius Malfoy how dare you speak to  
me in that ton..." He quickly stepped back, the master's eyes might glow red but this  
persons glowed red around the edges. in the centre, he saw flames and the flames  
seemed to be getting bigger and bigger.

The other Deatheaters looked on in shock as flames shot out the beings eyes  
and melted Lucius.

"Right..... So one Lucius Malfoy ...o.k next." what followed was a  
scramble to not be next. Lord Voldemort was not happy when the being said "real  
name not your poncy fake name" when he told {it} that he was lord  
Voldemort. "o.k, o.k its Tom Riddle." Most never heard what he said as he  
said it in a very quiet voice. The ones that did were not impressed. Dark Lord  
Tom had no ring to it.

"Right Tom Riddle, we got a few here ready to torture you including one Salazar  
Slytherin. seems you screwed up his family's reputation and he has a special  
dispensation to come down from heaven and torture you, 3 days off the week"  
The name taker smiled at the looks of confusion on many faces. "Duh"

"What??? But I was doing his great work." Tom moaned, "why does he want to torture  
me?"

"Because... you are a git, you made the school's sacred protector kill a  
student. then you had it try killing another student, that student was saved and one Harry  
Potter ended up killing …. Cassandra?? Weird name o.k ended up killing  
Cassandra the Basilisk to save his own and another life."

Tom looked confused "I never met Harry Potter with a Basilisk?"

One of the smaller Death eaters cleared his throat "my dad gave your old  
school diary to Ginny Weasley and she and Harry h..." he stopped. Tom was not  
happy.

The name taker was "Yes Tom, one of your Horcrux was destroyed."

The older, more intelligent Deatheaters knew this was not good.

"Now for a bit of common sense, that was your first Horcrux so it had exactly  
one half of your soul in it. That was the only reason you survived the  
rebounded killing curse. Now after that you made several more. Each one halved  
whatever you had left of your soul. You see, when a soul is halved by black  
magic it never ever recovers so you do not grow more soul. Now your second  
Horcrux had half of half of your soul in it and so on. When the house you were in  
blew up, the two Horcruxes that were in there, the ring and nagmi? Nagini? Your  
snake also blew up leaving nothing-powerful enough left, to be able to bring  
you back. So you are here for the long haul."

Tom looked round and the remembered Malfoy Snr. had been burned up. Therefore, he  
stalked over to junior and kicked him hard between the legs several times  
until he felt better.

The name taker smiled this would be so much fun. Shame many did not find out  
until they died that God and the Devil were friends and they had swoops of  
souls so people who were 50/50 like Salazar could go to either. He could relax  
in Heaven or come here to hell and torture Tom. This worked out in a simple  
way, by punishing Tom for his wrong deeds, this was a good act. By using torture, this  
was a bad act, so 50/50. Tom would learn this lesson well so would the other  
pillocks, now for more fun. "Say Tom your Muggle dad wants kick your ** as  
well so he has been invited down. We really do not agree with patricide."

All the Death eaters turned to Tom "Muggle? You had a Muggle father you are a  
half-blood?"

Yes, it was fun to be him. The name taker smiled and dropped his hood "I  
forgot to introduce myself... I am James Potter the first gate keeper for  
you.... my wife is your second one."

Severus Snape blanched {the Potters ran hell....OH **!!!!!}

Yes, before them stood James Potter and he looked **. "Now because of you lot  
my son has been through hell guess what....its a parent job to make their  
child's life hell and embarrass them not you numb nuts so we had a word with a  
few people and we get to decide what punishments you lot have to suffer. Draco  
your dad is not destroyed. he is with my wife getting sterilized."

Lucius was being sterilized but not with hot water and soap, no he was being  
castrated for the 10th time. "See Lucius, I got this idea from a Muggle myth  
about a Greek man who was cursed to forever be chained to a rock and a huge bird came  
down each day and ate his innards while he remained alive. Then they all grew  
back and the same happens the next day... there are many here who want to do this to  
you so I got to make sure it works right, now done, axe, knife, saw, ok hammer  
next...." {Crunch, crunch} anyone listening would have heard a very loud  
scream… hell; even ones who were not trying to listen heard it.

Little  
Hangleton

Harry and Sirius spent a few minutes cleaning out their ears. "Dudley did  
say BOOOM yes?"

Harry nodded "Yes he said BOOOM.....why?"

Sirius shook his head "I heard KABOOOOMMMM, never heard one BOOM. You should  
call him and tell him his descriptions suck."

Dudley was staring in shock "Kaboooommm, KABOOOM, that was so cool. I got  
to study harder. I need to make ones even louder."

Petunia and Vernon looked at their son and shook their heads, this did not  
sound good. Then another sound hit them "Bring-bring, bring-bring" Dudley put  
down his omnocy thingy and went to answer the phone. "Harry?"

"Dudley did you or did you not say Boom? As me and my Godfather never heard  
one boom but did hear quite a few KABOOOMS." Dudley moved his ear away from  
the phone and tried cleaning it with a finger. "No need to shout, and tell  
Sirius I recorded it all on them ominocy thingy, with sound on and with full  
zoom." Harry shook his head; Dudley had gone into detail on what was  
needed and how to use it, yet, could not remember Dementors, Voldemort or even  
omnoculars. "Thanks Dudley and Sirius say that we are getting you your own pair and  
a huge sweet hamper, with some other stuff. All safe for you to eat and drink.  
You have probably saved loads of lives and me a crap load of hassle. Thanks  
big D." Harry had no fears of using Dudley's nickname as a sign of respect  
today. now all he need was a recording and him and Sirius were off to Morocco.

Hell the second gate.

"But... the prophecy? I can't be dead? No way has Potter that much power, no  
way. AARRRRRR..."

"Riddle shut up and stop bad mouthing my son. The prophecy stated he had a  
power that you did not know. So do you know how he killed you all?"

Riddle and the others shook there heads "O.k so therefore he had a power you  
know not. See, the prophecy is happy, I am happy, James is happy… well to be honest,  
James is happy torturing Wormtail and Snape, but he is still happy. So why all  
the complaints... it is the nut screw, isn't it? You don't like it when we turn  
them like this." and matching actions to words several of the Death eaters  
previous victims turned hells version of thumbscrews a bit tighter. "You  
have no need to worry. if we crush them, then in 20 minutes they will grow  
back....mind you, that does mean that the next load of victims get their go, but who  
cares as long as it is for the greater good? and more people being happy than  
unhappy most certainly counts as the greater good... now where was I?"  
Tom's screams told everyone that she had remembered.

3 months later

"Wicked, hey Duds, you want try this?" Harry shouted to his cousin. Dudley  
looked up and shook his head "nah, thanks, still got some of this coconut thing  
left."

The change in Dudley had been fast and amazing. he still ate like a hungry  
hippo, but now he read and studied and he was on holiday! The wizarding  
community had given him and Harry a large reward. Sirius had been cleared of  
all charges. Life was good, so were the babes in Morocco, according to Sirius.  
Only Dumbledore seemed put out but he was now a second rate wizard after the  
ministry had seen Harry and Sirius standing near a huge crater and Harry  
shouting who's the ** now, over and over, They had asked him what had happened.  
Harry lied through his teeth and said that Voldemort and all of his Death eaters were dead  
and this was their hide out. When he said that suddenly while battling Tom, a.k.a  
Voldemort, he seemed to gain a huge power boost, Dumbledore had, in shock stated  
that Harry had completed the Prophecy, when the whole prophecy thing was  
revealed, Harry smiled and said, "Justice served."

After Dumbledore's little mistake and some rounds of truth serum on Sirius, who  
was cleared very fast- Harry did wonder whether it had anything to do with everyone watching him toss his wand in the air and catch it, or the very big hole  
they were standing next to, that they all thought he had just made. Either way  
was good as long Sirius and he did not miss their plane.

After a few wand tricks, like catch the wand and point it at people  
taking too long, chatting to his Godfather, everyone seemed to agree that Sirius was  
innocent and the sooner Harry left England for a holiday the safer they all  
would feel. Hell, they even gave them lots of spending money. They had brought the  
Dursleys as well... after all it was Dudley who helped the most. Now that Harry was  
going to live else where, they had no problems taking his money and a free  
holiday. Strange that, Harry mused. Ah well, whatever works…

The end

Hope you liked thanks for reading.


End file.
